This was written in the spring of 2014.... edited in 2015
I live a very unique life. I do not fit into any particular category nor do I believe I could describe myself with any particular title.
I am getting to know myself better and in this journey I find the only way to truly know what I want in a man or a companion is by fully knowing who I am a little better.
Most of my life I have followed the lead of others and found I was pretending and therefore looking for approval of those around me. I spent hours contemplating if I was good enough, smart enough or liked enough.... Does my outer appearance show that I am perfect and leading the ideal perfect life so that I can gain the admiration and approval of those I am trying to please?
What kind of life is this? I recently learned the simplest catch phrase.... "You've got ONE life to live, live BIG" This simple catch phrase has changed my outlook on life. I was the shy girl too embarrassed to dance in a room full of my peers who were dancing, because I was too afraid to be seen. But something shifted in me, something that changed my life. This is MY life! I will no longer hide, I will no longer be afraid, I will no longer live for approval. I don't care if they like me or not because I LOVE ME and I want to live my own life. I want to experience life for me and nobody else.
So I went on a roller coaster last week. I chose to load up my oldest daughter and drive to the Amusement Park in OKC, slather on sunblock, pay and arm and a leg and ride roller coasters all day. When I came upon the first ride it was the boat swing. A simple ride, very simple. I sat down and the boat starts to swing - higher and higher. At the peak just before dropping I felt the all too familiar sensation of DREAD. My stomach rose in my throat, I felt like I might pee my pants, and I felt completely out of control and I hated it. I told myself - "I don't want to be on this ride, I don't want it to drop, I don't like this" and at the same time I was praying the ride would casually stop and let me off. BUT at that moment I remembered something I learned at this LIVE BIG conference I attended a few weeks ago.... Its all in my head, it's all my perspective, and it's all how I talk to myself. Change the inner dialogue and change the experience completely. So as a test I chose to shift my thoughts and see if those crazy people knew anything about what they were talking about. I said to myself "I'm safe! I chose to drive here, pay to get in, stand in line, and climb on this ride for the main purpose of this very sensation of a thrill. Therefore I am fully in control of my choices and actions. This is FUN! I am having the time of my life and I'm just going to enjoy the ride, I do not wish to change it in any way." Guess what???? I experienced something I've never experienced before. I did not feel my stomach rise in my throat, I did not feel like peeing my pants, I did not feel out of control. I did not feel anxious to get off, in fact I threw my hands in the air and just let go! I felt this beautiful connection with myself and the ride was fully enjoyable. For the first time I enjoyed the ride!
I live a very unique life. I do not fit into any particular category nor do I believe I could describe myself with any particular title.
I am getting to know myself better and in this journey I find the only way to truly know what I want in a man or a companion is by fully knowing who I am a little better.
Most of my life I have followed the lead of others and found I was pretending and therefore looking for approval of those around me. I spent hours contemplating if I was good enough, smart enough or liked enough.... Does my outer appearance show that I am perfect and leading the ideal perfect life so that I can gain the admiration and approval of those I am trying to please?
What kind of life is this? I recently learned the simplest catch phrase.... "You've got ONE life to live, live BIG" This simple catch phrase has changed my outlook on life. I was the shy girl too embarrassed to dance in a room full of my peers who were dancing, because I was too afraid to be seen. But something shifted in me, something that changed my life. This is MY life! I will no longer hide, I will no longer be afraid, I will no longer live for approval. I don't care if they like me or not because I LOVE ME and I want to live my own life. I want to experience life for me and nobody else.
So I went on a roller coaster last week. I chose to load up my oldest daughter and drive to the Amusement Park in OKC, slather on sunblock, pay and arm and a leg and ride roller coasters all day. When I came upon the first ride it was the boat swing. A simple ride, very simple. I sat down and the boat starts to swing - higher and higher. At the peak just before dropping I felt the all too familiar sensation of DREAD. My stomach rose in my throat, I felt like I might pee my pants, and I felt completely out of control and I hated it. I told myself - "I don't want to be on this ride, I don't want it to drop, I don't like this" and at the same time I was praying the ride would casually stop and let me off. BUT at that moment I remembered something I learned at this LIVE BIG conference I attended a few weeks ago.... Its all in my head, it's all my perspective, and it's all how I talk to myself. Change the inner dialogue and change the experience completely. So as a test I chose to shift my thoughts and see if those crazy people knew anything about what they were talking about. I said to myself "I'm safe! I chose to drive here, pay to get in, stand in line, and climb on this ride for the main purpose of this very sensation of a thrill. Therefore I am fully in control of my choices and actions. This is FUN! I am having the time of my life and I'm just going to enjoy the ride, I do not wish to change it in any way." Guess what???? I experienced something I've never experienced before. I did not feel my stomach rise in my throat, I did not feel like peeing my pants, I did not feel out of control. I did not feel anxious to get off, in fact I threw my hands in the air and just let go! I felt this beautiful connection with myself and the ride was fully enjoyable. For the first time I enjoyed the ride!
So I chose to test my new found experience on a very steep, intense coaster....
I had to give myself a pep talk the entire time going up the steep grade.
But letting go of control and enjoying the ride was an experience that stayed no
matter how scary the ride! Before leaving the park we chose to
really challenge my fear of heights by riding the sling shot/bungee/sky
diving ride..... Where we are strapped in as a single or double rider into a
body suit and dropped 100 feet in the air and swung across the lake. I've
always been deathly afraid of this ride and I chose to test myself with an
extreme fear by using my new perspective shift. Its all inside me.
We were raised higher and higher and higher still. I grew excited and
nervous but telling myself all good things - Im having a blast, this is going to
be epic and fun, I am having the time of my life. I pulled the rip cord
and we dropped and my excitement grew as did the sense of FREEDOM. I was
alive for the first time.
I had to give myself a pep talk the entire time going up the steep grade.
But letting go of control and enjoying the ride was an experience that stayed no
matter how scary the ride! Before leaving the park we chose to
really challenge my fear of heights by riding the sling shot/bungee/sky
diving ride..... Where we are strapped in as a single or double rider into a
body suit and dropped 100 feet in the air and swung across the lake. I've
always been deathly afraid of this ride and I chose to test myself with an
extreme fear by using my new perspective shift. Its all inside me.
We were raised higher and higher and higher still. I grew excited and
nervous but telling myself all good things - Im having a blast, this is going to
be epic and fun, I am having the time of my life. I pulled the rip cord
and we dropped and my excitement grew as did the sense of FREEDOM. I was
alive for the first time.
I seek out love and beauty and personal growth and the peaceful quiet moments. I meditate and do yoga. I eat a very healthy vegetarian diet that's borderline vegan. I do this because I believe in preventative medicine. Ive suffered from a brain tumor and a auto immune thyroid disease but Ive nourished my body properly to bring health naturally without modern medicine. Through full body healing - emotional, physical, spiritual I was able to conquer all these chronic diseases without medical intervention. I also believe in preventing animal cruelty and this subject I could elaborate on more fully at a later time. I also believe this planet is a gift from God and it's my honor to care for her as she nourishes and cares for me. I take great measures to reduce my carbon footprint and teach those around me how to reduce theirs as well. I believe in self-sustainability and living a minimalist lifestyle. Happiness is not found in "things" or possessions, or a bigger house or working round the clock for more money to buy more things. Happiness is found in simplicity. Less work, less possessions, a smaller home and MORE LOVE!
Therefore I do not want a man who is buried in debt, wants the newest biggest TV, works hard to prove something to others... Or who doesn't care about the world around him. I do want a man who shares my passions, who will see me for who I am. Not expecting a perfect cheerleader who never farts or who never complains. I don't want a man who is looking for some pretty little thing just to make him feel happy or better about himself.... BECAUSE he already loves himself so fully that I do not have to fill his empty love tank. I believe true love comes from within. Remember my roller coaster story? Its all inside me. I can choose every second of my life by the way I perceive my circumstances.
So am I sad that IM divorced with 3 kids? Am I miserable and lonely? Am I depressed and suicidal? DO I look for someone to take care of me? Do I feel any less of a woman by being single? The answer is a loud resounding NO! Im completely happy because I really love myself. If anything Im being incredibly picky because I know what I want and I know who I am. I dream of being safe to fully express myself with the man who completes my heart.
So am I sad that IM divorced with 3 kids? Am I miserable and lonely? Am I depressed and suicidal? DO I look for someone to take care of me? Do I feel any less of a woman by being single? The answer is a loud resounding NO! Im completely happy because I really love myself. If anything Im being incredibly picky because I know what I want and I know who I am. I dream of being safe to fully express myself with the man who completes my heart.
I think this experience gave way to a whole new perspective towards my entire
life. How often have to controlled my outcome or controlled my experiences
due to fear of everything or everyone I actually have no control
over. How often have I chosen fear over LOVE? How often have I changed my experience because I was afraid of the outcome? Is this the life I wish to continue leading? The entire shift is within ME! I wonder how different my experience in life would be by just shifting my perspective and just "enjoy the ride"?! By knowing myself I can more fully understand what I want to do with my life and who I wish to share those experiences with.
life. How often have to controlled my outcome or controlled my experiences
due to fear of everything or everyone I actually have no control
over. How often have I chosen fear over LOVE? How often have I changed my experience because I was afraid of the outcome? Is this the life I wish to continue leading? The entire shift is within ME! I wonder how different my experience in life would be by just shifting my perspective and just "enjoy the ride"?! By knowing myself I can more fully understand what I want to do with my life and who I wish to share those experiences with.